Cliché
by Blindy
Summary: What was REALLY going on during the war? Why is the Gboys' hair SO COOL? And is Relena REALLY sane?


Warnings and Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing or the characters. I just play with their heads. NO, the ones on their SHOULDERS, you perves. Jesus, get your minds out of the gutter. Anyway, this is a TOTALLY stereotypical fic. So yeah. Just watch out for that stuff. And it ends quite abruptly, because I forget what happens. But I will add more chapters, so yeah, just watch out for them.

Cliché 

It's the year after colony…okay, well, I've said it enough already, Jesus Christ, you'd think these people would get it already!

First of all, Duo's being a psycho geek and screaming in a crowd about his Gundam being blown up by the silent clown. Yeah, like that won't attract any attention. As if the braid isn't enough to give him away already.

And Heero…he's off fighting…DUH. Trying to get into the base where Trowa now seems to work. And then he gets captured, and OZ hasn't bothered to execute him yet? Yeah. Right. And the guy just said that he thinks he's a Gundam pilot, and Lady Une said that it wasn't possible!! If that ain't possible, than what is, lady?

Man, these people are just so stupid.

Where do they come up with these crack-heads, huh?

*

Duo somehow ends up at the base where Heero's being held captive. Not sure why, he just is, because I'm too lazy to actually watch the episode and find out what really happened. But hey, we all knew he'd end up with Heero, didn't we? I mean, it's inevitable.

He's in the cell with Wufei and Heero. He's just announced that he needs to get some sleep before he launches his plan to get out of the cell and take the new Deathscythe for a spin.

"How do you know we'll get out, though?" Heero asks. "You can't always assume the best will happen."

Duo shrugs. "Yeah, I guess you're right, but hey, it's not like they're about to kill me off. What would the fan-girls do?"

"Maxwell, I think we all know who has the most fan girls here. It's Heero, and you know that as well as I do," Wufei jumps in. 

Duo shakes his head. "Nuh-uh. Have you seen all the fics that have been out on the internet lately? Oh, that's right, you have no life apart from checking the computer for missions, anyway – "

"And surfing the net all night means you _do_?"

"Dude, there are more fanfics of me out there then there are of you. I'm sorry to say it, but it seems that I'm more likeable than you, Heero. Or any of the other guys, for that matter." Duo shuts his eyes. "But right now, I'm gonna get a little sleep."

Wufei stares blankly. "You already said that…"

"Yeah, but my exit was shattered by Mr. Personality over there."

Heero shrugs. "Hey, sorry, man, I just wanted you to get your facts straight."

"It's cool," Duo said. "It's nice to see you accepting the fact that there's someone more perfect than you out there gracefully for a change."

"Omae o korosu!"

Duo smirks. "No you won't."

"You're right. Goodnight."

*

Trowa sits typing on the computer, a message he's intending to send to Dr. S. Another soldier walks in.

"Hey, you haven't got computer privileges yet!"

Trowa hands him a pass signed by his former-high school's principal. "Happy?"

The soldier shrugs. "Okay. You are stronger than me anyway. Besides, why would I want to stop a supposed Gundam pilot from hacking into the OZ files?" The soldier leaves the room, but pauses halfway out the door. "By the way, cool hair."

"Thanks."

Trowa continues typing on the computer and just as he sends it, Lady Une's face appears on the screen. "Barton, aren't you supposed to be doing something else? This time you're spending on the computer…not like you at all."

"I'm sorry, Lady Une."

"Don't be sorry, do something productive!" Her face disappears from the screen.

"Okay," says Trowa, and he turns to stare at the wall for an hour.

*

Now, a little while later on, Quatre has just finished blowing Trowa away into oblivion, and Heero won't let him go and save him.

"Heero! We have to save Trowa!" Quatre screams like the psycho everyone knows he is underneath that tea-drinking exterior.

"No we don't," Heero growls. "It's your fault anyway. Besides, we all know he's going to live in the end."

Quatre shrugs. "Okay. Can I attempt to kill you and fail miserably as my human emotions reclaim me?"

Heero looks at his watch. "Okay, I guess."

"Cool. Okay, where was I?" Quatre sits thinking for a while. "Oh yeah, I remember now!" Quatre clears his throat and puts on a more threatening voice which everyone knows is impossible. "Okay then. Goodbye, Heero."

Quatre attacks.

After all this is over, Quatre goes down and rescues Heero, because, like he said, he fails miserably at killing Heero because his human emotions reclaim him.

"Let's go back to the Earth," Quatre says. "It was kind to us."

*

But Quatre and Heero are captured, and are playing with two ferocious dogs on the beach. 

"Quatre?"

"Hm?"

"You like animals, don't you?"

"Yes. I love them," Quatre answers.

"Then play with the dogs. It seems they'd rather play with you anyway."

Quatre nods and snorts. "Well, duh, it's not like throwing a pineapple into the water for them is incredibly entertaining."

"Yeah. I'm probably throwing too far for them to swim to anyway." Heero shrugs and goes and lays down on the sand to do some deep thinking about war and death and other happy things.

Because we all know how good at it he is.

*

So, now this is much later on. Yes, it's the same year, you morons. No, I'm not saying it again. 

Anyway, Heero and Quatre are at Relena's girly school because they escaped. Like a flimsy tent made out of material is going to keep the Gundam Pilots at bay. Right.

And Trowa's out there floating somewhere in space, thinking philosophical thoughts that no one can hear.

And of course, Duo and Wufei are stuck in the same cell where the oxygen has been cut off by the guy whose name that I can't remember with the really big nose.

Great, huh?

*

"Wufei?" 

"Hmm?"

"Sorry, but I'm gonna throw in the towel." Duo rolls onto his side. "This is such a lame way to go! This is so _not_ cool!"

Wufei rolls his eyes. "We aren't going to die."

"Yeah, I know," agrees Duo, "but still, I just thought I'd say that. After all, do you really think I'm gonna go down without a fight? Or at least a weak protest? I mean, DUH, do you really think that OZ would invest so much in our mobile suits if they didn't want us to use them?"

Wufei thinks about this for a while. "No. I think you're right. And yeah, we have to get out of here. My hair is in serious need of Pantene right now."

Duo shakes his head. "Ch, I hear you, buddy. Talk about split ends. And my bangs…I mean, how oily can they get?"

Wufei nods. "Pretty oily. I mean, come on, all of our hair is oily. I mean, look, your bangs, Heero's bangs and Quatre's bangs always stick together in huge clumps. And it isn't hair gel, because God knows we don't have time to stop and buy that stuff at the mini-mart."

"Yeah, and your ponytail…man, that's like two strands of hair about two inches thick each."

Wufei shrugs and snorts. "I know, what the hell is up with that?"

Duo shakes his head. "Nope, the only one of us with really cool hair is Trowa."

Wufei nods. "You said it, man."

Silence reigns for a few moments.

"Hey, Wufei?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you really Chinese, or is it just your ponytail pulling on your face too tight?"

Wufei shrugs. "I don't know."

*

Relena glomps Heero. "Oh, Heero, I love you."

"No you don't."

"I know. I'm just blinded by lust which I'm mistaking for love and therefore making a total fool of myself." She bats her eyelashes. "Okay, well, since you're two teenage boys in an all girls school and we know that you have wild raging hormones about this time in your lives, we've decided to put you in a room next to all of the girls. I trust we won't have any problems?"

"No adult supervision?" asks Quatre.

"Of course not. That would make it too hard for you guys to carry out the secret mission you have of destroying OZ that I've already posted on the internet with your numbers and email addresses so that people can send you hate mail. We only have Pagan, my trusty servant who should have shot me ages ago with his gun that he always carries."

"Why does he carry a gun?" asks Quatre.

"Because, he has to defend the bright pink car traveling in a straight line from the retarded Leos that can't aim for peanuts. Especially since their hi-tech beam cannons are no use against a weapon that was developed in ancient times and holds tiny little metal things."

Heero nods. "Good point. I always thought you had a good head on your shoulders. I don't know WHY I wanted to kill you. You're EVER-so-helpful, even thought you do give away our locations all the time."

"I know," says Relena as she skips away to her totally pink one story house with the pink stairs. 

"How does it have pink stairs if it's a one story house?" Quatre asks Heero.

"Because. She wanted it to. She's too stupid to realize that she can't have pink stairs."

Quatre nodded. "Right. What was I thinking?"

"You got me."

*

Lady Une stands for a moment before falling to the ground totally awkwardly. After all, she has to stay standing for about five minutes while she thinks her last thoughts after being shot. It's in the script.

So now, Mr. Big Nose stands there and doesn't think that perhaps he could close off the air again because Lady Une is out of his way. No, because if he did, it would probably be too late anyway, because like all people who have been deprived of air for a few hours and can barely talk, Wufei and Duo spring to their feet and sprint to their Gundams as they are miraculously healed.

Of course, their Gundams are only 80% complete, but who cares? Still, I have to wonder if the remaining 20% wouldn't malfunction and kill them. I mean, what if the head wasn't screwed on or something? It would just fall off. 

Duo says all of this to Wufei, who shakes his head.

"Well, we know Lady Une isn't going to die, because every show needs a psycho, and right now, she's the only one we have."

Duo raises an eyebrow. "I don't know, that Dorothy chick comes pretty close."

"Well, that's because she's a Gundam pilot wannabe."

"Yeah, good point. But what about our Gundams?"

Wufei snorts. "We know they won't fall apart. They aren't allowed to, remember? Plus if they did, we'd die, and then we all know how much popularity would be lost if we left the show."

Duo thinks about this for a second, and then nods. "You're right. Okay, let's go fight the mobile dolls that are so easy to destroy even though they match our skills almost exactly, and because there are sixty billion of them and only two of us."

Wufei nods. "Okay. After this, we should do lunch."

"It's a deal."

*

Catherine's walking down the street with a paper bag of groceries which is getting soaked because it's raining, when she spots someone she knows.

"Oh my god…there's only one person I know with such super-cool hair! It's TROWA!!! Trowa! Hey, what are you doing here?"

Trowa says nothing.

"Trowa?" Catherine says, sensing something is wrong.

"Cath…er…ine…" Trowa says slowly, with a flicker of recognition in his green eyes. "Does my hair look okay?"

"It's a little fried, Trowa. You'd better come with me."

"Okay."

*

So there are the Gundam Pilots current positions. I'm not saying anymore, because I haven't got a clue what happens after this. Oh well. Anyway, somehow we all know that they're gonna get stuck together again and save the universe, so I'll leave it at that.

Have a nice day!

And should I continue? Or does it just get really old really fast?

Feel free to review!

And grab a cookie on your way out!


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